“If you’re desperate for safety, I’m not your girl.” ~ Jeanette LeBlanc
Growth is not “safe.”
Expansion is not “safe.”
Revolution and evolution are not “safe.”
Breaking cycles, disrupting patterns is not “safe.”
Processing our trauma, healing our wounds is not “safe.”
Feeling our emotions & their physical sensations is not “safe.”
Being emotionally, psychologically, spiritually, intimate is not “safe.”
Sharing who we are, honestly, transparently, fully, is not “safe.”
Being rooted in our knowing and Self is not “safe.”
Having boundaries & defending them is not “safe.”
Being curious is not “safe.”
Connection is not “safe.”
Love is not “safe.”
I’m not here to be “safe.” And honestly, you shouldn’t be either.
There was a time when I thought being safe was the goal of living life. I wanted safety so desperately I suffocated myself. I wanted everything known and predictable so badly I stifled myself. I wanted control over every aspect of my life so much I completely lost myself.
When we live with trauma coursing through our bodies and minds, when our attachment wounds are bone deep, when we live in and under systems of oppression that abuse and traumatize us daily, we crave order. We want knowns. We desperately believe we need plans, endgames, final destinations.
We can’t tolerate the unknown, the unplanned, the unpredictable.
We feel so unsafe in our own body and the present moment, we do everything we can to try to feel safe.
And we go about trying to grasp that sense of safeness all wrong.
We look outside for that safeness instead of within.
We keep ourselves small, stifled, smothered, stunted because of fear.
We stifle, smother, and stunt others, too.
We end up feeling trapped. Caged. Alone.
And so do those we are in relationship with.
I’m not here for any of that anymore. I am not here for the suffocation of predictability, the stagnation of clinging only to the known, the stifling of Self in order to “guarantee” being liked and or loved and or accepted.
I’m now here for the chaos of freedom. For the messiness of expansion. For the exhilaration of exploration of the uncharted, unknown.
I’m here for softness and roughness, smooth, gentle curves and hard, sharp edges.
I’m here for complexity and contradictions, nuance and context, the both-and multitudes that are being human.
I’m here to love wildly, deeply. To have my broken open heart hurt again and again because the ecstasy of loving in the now is worth the inevitable grief in the future.
I’m here to fall in love over and over, with friends, family, lovers, myself, animals, trees, rivers, salt water, lush earth, pretty rocks, life itself, being fully alive.
I’m here to connect deeply. Passionately. Honestly. Fully.
I’m here for intimacy. Emotional. Sexual. Psychological. Spiritual.
I’m here for non-linear growth and healing.
I’m here for taking accountability for harm caused and doing the intense and hard work to not cause harm in the same way in the future.
I’m here for clear boundaries.
I’m here for unbridled sex and the sweetness of forehead kisses and holding hands.
I’m here for uncomfortable conversations.
I’m here to leave the world a little better than when I entered it.
I’m here to leave the people I am in relationship with knowing their own worth, their own beauty, their own magic a bit, or a lot, more than when we first met.
I’m here for freedom. I’m here for allowing things to unfold in their own time. I’m here to sit in the sometimes painful place of not knowing.
I’m here for this moment, right now. Savoring and enjoying the heck out of it while I can, knowing once it’s gone, it’s gone.
It’s not easy to be here for all this. It is terrifying at times. It is often uncomfortable. It has required a intense and immense amounds of inner work on my end. It will contine to require me to do the work for the rest of my life.
And I can tell you, it feels so amazing to feel this alive and in the present that all that discomfort, all those tears, all that frustration, all the work, and all those days I just wanted to quit but didn’t, was and is completely worth it.
It is a choice. A daily choice. A moment to moment choice. To be present. To allow the discomfort. To experiece the grief and heartache. So I can also experience the peace, the joy, the pleasure, and everything else this human experice has to offer.
I invite you to make these choices too. To come back into your body. To be present. To hold yourself accountable for your own actions and choices. To let others experience the consequences of their actions. To find your ways to embodiment, (r)evolution, connection, and clarity of Self and how you want to be and do in this life.
This piece was originally published on Insta in August 2020. It has been edited for publication here.
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