Sometimes (v. 9)
A short piece from the vaults, edited for today
Sometimes we must write all the words we can never send.
Sometimes the grief waves crash down on us like ten tons of bricks.
Sometimes all we can offer is a prayer and hope it is an incantation.
Sometimes a loss isn’t a loss because of all we gained.
Sometimes the words demand to be witnessed at 119am.
Sometimes they are always on your mind.
Sometimes reminding yourself what you know to be true looks like binging that one specific show over and over.
Sometimes an amulet calls them home to your dreams.
Sometimes love is more than love and still not enough.
Sometimes you miss knowing them.
Sometimes you miss knowing about them.
Sometimes you want to scream at the Fates for taking them away too soon.
Sometimes the longing feels like it might consume you.
Sometimes you wonder “what if” too many times.
Sometimes you want to shout “I’m here!” but that’s not for them to know.
Sometimes the moon makes us ache.
Sometimes you want it all to be so different but know it can’t be right now, nor possibly ever.
Sometimes only their kiss will heal the wound they didn’t make.
Sometimes you are tempted to play the game.
Sometimes the memory of their fingers on your skin is all that is left.
Sometimes the wanting dripping from your body is enough to drive you mad.
Sometimes you only wish the best for them but had hoped that would have been you.
Sometimes the salt water roar calls to us.
Sometimes we can’t find our way home.
Sometimes grief is grounding.
Sometimes naming it isn’t enough.
Sometimes you don’t know how to delete them.
Sometimes you wonder if they still read your words.
Sometimes you stop reading theirs out of self preservation.
Sometimes they sensed the way you started to freeze and stopped (and it was everything).
Sometimes a new moon photo is all you really need.
Sometimes you wish you could set them free, but know they are the only one who can actually do that.
Sometimes their eagerness is a turn off.
Sometimes only a feline baby dragon will make it right.
Sometimes you have to imagine it’s them.
Sometimes you have to swallow the novel whole.
Sometimes you have to go where they’ve never been to find them.
Sometimes it feels safer to project a role onto them than to see the reality.
Sometimes you have to ignore your words so sleep will come again.
This essay was originally published on Insta in June 2023. It has been revised for publication today.
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