Language is important
From the Archives (2020)
Language is important.
I’ve been noticing/realizing we, culturally, use a lot of ownership language when it comes to our relationships. Our intimate relationships (he/she/they are mine), our friendships (this is my bff), parent/child (my daughter/son), etc.
We claim other humans are “ours” often claiming they are “ours forever”.
Here’s a thing though, to be in true, honest, open-hearted, vulnerable relationship with another, we can’t claim ownership of them.
When we try to claim ownership of those we are in relationships with we are letting our own insecure attachment wounds and poor sense of self worth run the show.
We are allowing our fear (of abandonment, rejection, losing our sense of belonging, etc) take over.
And worse.
We are being complicit and compliant to our authoritarian culture that objectifies and comodifies humans and sees them only as (totally replaceable) tools in the status quo machine.
This is harmful and (re)traumatizing.
In her book Great Goddesses, Nikkita Gill gives a retelling of the story of Hephaestus and Aphrodite, and wrote:
When I held her, I held her gently so that she always knew she could fly away and I would never harm her or clip her wings.
When we are in relationships with other humans, this is how we must hold each other. Gently. Lovingly. Without ownership. Without threat of harm if we or they choose to leave. Without chains or obligations or expectations or demands.
Other humans are not “ours”. Regardless of how intimate or vulnerable or connected we are to them. They are not, and will never be “ours”.
They are their own person. They belong to themselves and themselves only just as we belong to ourselves and ourselves only.
Relationships ebb and flow. They begin and end. They sometimes shift and grow. Each individual in the relationship needs the freedom to do that without fear, without judgment, without limitations. Each individual needs to be able to have the space to show up wholly and honestly without risking harm from the other. Each individual needs to be seen as they are, without the other constantly telling them how they need to change which translates to how they aren’t good enough.
It means that none of our relationships are guaranteed. It means that we can never, ever claim another person as “ours forever.” To be in relationship is to risk. Risk our hearts being broken. Risk betrayal. Risk growth that leads to growing apart. Risk having our wounding activated so we can see our own next layer of healing. Risk being fully seen. Risk seeing another clearly and wholly, without our projections.
How horrible to chain and stunt a person in the ways conventional relationship wisdom, and our own language, tells us we should. I would argue it is borderline abusive, but that may be a debate for another day.
We humans need freedom. To be wholly ourselves. To explore all life has to offer. To connect with different people in different ways. To be human. So we can grow individually and collectively. So we can burn down this capitalist authoritarian culture. So we can be truly happy and alive.
This essay was originally published on insta in 2020. It has been edited for publication here.
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Ways for us to connect
Gwynn Raimondi Writes on Insta*
Soothe Your Nervous System Card Deck
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Recent Writings & Posts
Midweek Grounding 1/14/26 (recording of live)
Accountability is an inside job : A random list o tings
Pain is not a free pass for abuse : Abuse as response to hurt is only utilizing the master’s tools
Memes, Images, Poems, Quotes
