For the last year or so, I have been relatively quiet as far as new writing goes. There have been a couple pieces here and there, a few Random List o Tings, but most of what I have been posting has been edits of previously written pieces.
It’s not that I don’t have things to say or write about. We all know the state of the world, the atrocities we are witnessing on our phones every single day. We are all aware of how much more challenging life is becoming with food and housing prices skyrocketing. We all know the frustration and rage and grief associated with all this, while trying to go about our day and make sure our rent is paid and our children’s (human or otherwise) mouths are fed. We all feel the immense stress and pressure to create change while simultaneously just trying to survive.
There has been and possibly always will be plenty for me to write about, to inspire me, to give me reason to state, once again, the incredible importance of our relationships and how processing and healing our traumas is a vital part of co-creating connections and communities that are nurturing and nourishing.
A truth is, I have been very internal over the last 12+ months and the words weren’t really coming in any way that felt right to me. I’ve been doing so much inner work and transformation, I almost don’t recognize myself. Or more truthfully, I finally do see me, my core self, my soul. I have been immersing myself in the interconnections and interdependence I have written about for years. I have strengthed important relationships, and not only with humans. I have come back to the land, and the symbiotic relationship I want to (continue to) cultivate with it, including the plants, animals, rocks, and soil.
This inner work turned into a spiritual journey, that frankly has surprised me. If you had told me ten, or even five, years ago how spiritual and connected to my ancestors and guides I would become, I would have scoffed. I was so “anti-woo” and leaned heavily on science to back up the trauma and nervous system work I was doing both personally and professionally. And a reality is, that my physics background was probably always going to bring me to this place at some point - one can’t believe in quantum mechanics or quantum entanglement and then not believe in the possiblities or even “realities” of multiple dimensions, of souls, of higher consciousness, of vibrational energies.
I have written for years about how interconnected and interdependant we are with each other, as humans. Until relatively recently I neglected a truth that all species on this planet are interconnected and interdependent. I neglected a truth of how we need the trees, the oceans, the rivers, the soil, the bees, the dragonflies. I neglected our ancesters beyond the trauma they passed down and the cycles we need to break. I neglected our soul guides, who are there for us if we only ask. I neglected the energies that exist in everything, including our homes, the land, the air, that are also there to help and protect us.
We all have to start somewhere, I realize. I started with science. And now I am with both science and spirituality, and coming into greater understanding how they are really, or at least can be, one and the same. The more we learn in the quantum world, the more spiritual practices and or beliefs are “explained” by science.
And.
It is important to understand these interconnections, so we can see how the suffering in Gaza, Sudan, the Congo, and other “far off places” are directly related to us. That the pain we experience, the disconnection, the depression and anxiety, are connected to the atrocities we witness on other sides of the globe, and for that matter in our own cities and towns. We are interconnected. We can try to look away. We can try to ignore it. We can claim to not be “political”. And as we do that we disconnect more and more from our humanity and dig ourselves deeper into depression, dissatisfaction, loneliness, anxiety, frustration, resentment, and unhappiness.
And.
While it is important, vital, for us to find our ways back to connection, with each other, the land, and all the species on the planet, as well as our Souls, the only way we are going to create change and climb out of the isolation we have found ourselves in, is by doing different than has ever been done before.
“For the master’s tools will never dismantle the master’s house. They may allow us to temporarily beat him at this own game, but they will never enable us to bring about genuine change.” ~Audre Lorde
This quote has lived inside my brain since I first read it, eight years ago. I have internalized this quote as a mantra, and reminder, for me to continue doing my own inner work of processing trauma and dislodging harmful social indoctrination, so that my relationships can be a part of the change I want to see in the world.
We cannot use punishment, domination, othering, and isolation to bring about change. Yet, these are all tools we have, and were taught to utilize, in order to “succeed” in this world. We have been taught to compete with other humans, instead of collaborate. We have been taught to dominate nature and take what we want with little regard to replacing or replenishing what we took, instead of being in symbiotic relationship. We have been taught that if we can’t see it, or “rationally prove” something, it can’t possibly be true or real. We have been sold the idea of duality, either or thinking, when nonduality is the truth of the universe, where all things can, and often are, true at once.
My work, professional and personal, is about relationships. Our relationships with our Self, our parts, our soul as well as our relationships with other humans, the planet, the universe. It is through our interpersonal relationships that we will change the world. It is by discarding the “master’s tools” and co-creating new ways of interacting with ourselves, each other, and the world, that we will grow a world where atrocities like we witness today will no longer be an everyday occurance. This is deep, challenging, and confronting work. Sadly, not everyone is up for it.
There are those who claim they want change, but what they mean is they want the outside world to change. But the outside world won’t change until we change our inner worlds and the ways we view and relate to the outside world. We have to take accountability for our actions, our ageements, our words, and understand the impacts, both beneficial and detrimental, we have have on others, their lives, their sense of safeness, and understanding how ultimately that also impacts us.
Taking accountability for our own actions, is not necessarily fun. It can be highly confronting because it requires us to look at ourselves and to see how we have caused harm, sometimes great harm, to others. Our ego, as a psychological protector, doesn’t like that. Our ego wants us to be the “good guy”. Our ego poses us as the “victim” of other’s actions, while refusing to see our own part in the situation. Our ego keeps us “safe,” but it keeps us separate, alone, and ultimately in pain, the very pain it is trying to avoid, yet can’t.
If we want emotionally intimate, nurturing, and nourishing relationships, we need to be simultaneously doing our inner work of processing trauma and unlearning our social indoctrination (which also traumatized us) while approaching our relationships differently and practicing relating with love, compassion and curiosity. We can’t be in safe bubbles, where no one ever triggers our wounds, doing all our inner work alone or with a very select few. We actually need the people who poke at our wounds so we can see where we still have work to do (and alternatively recognize how much healing we have done).
We need to take risks in our relationships, to be vulnerable, to allow space for heartache and grief, so we can also have space for connection, love, and joy. We need to recognize that the people in our lives are human, with their own wounds, and that they will hurt us, usually unintentionally, from time to time. These rifts in our relationships are opportunities to do different, for each person to heal and grow, to recognize what is old wounding being activated and what is current actual harmful behavior. It is the opportunity for us to practice boundaries, both setting and defending our own, and respecting and honoring those of others.
The last year or so of mostly quiet gave me the chance to deepen my relationship with myself and a few select close friends, as well as my relationship with my children, the trail I hike on, my cats, and even the few herb plants I have growing in my kitchen. It has given me much needed perspective on our inter-relatedness with all beings as well as safe-enough spaces to practice new ways of being and doing.
However, it also hasn’t given me opportunities to work with my attachment wounds, my abandonment trauma, or doing deeper layers of unraveling the harmful indoctrination about relationships (and what is a “real” relationship). There has been a year of growth yes, in ways I never would have expected, and also, even that immense growth has been limited in some ways.
I don’t share this as a way of saying I failed, or to say I didn’t do enough. It was a year that was needed in many ways. I share this to point out, that when we put ourselves in bubbles, it does limit the growth and healing we can do. We need the relationships where we aren’t quite sure where we stand, or the ones where the other person hasn’t done as much healing work, or the ones that push at our boundaries. We need them so we can turn toward our core self, our own Soul, and listen. We need them so we can practice defending our boundaries and respecting the boundaries of others. We need them so we can practice choosing what we know is right for us, what aligns with our values, especially when that may mean walking away from something we really thought we wanted.
This doesn’t mean allowing or tolerating abusive behaviors from others. It does mean going out in the world however, and potentially being exposed to those behaviors so we can work on our responses to them. Which does not mean staying in abusive relationships, it means that unless we go out in the world, experience new and different people, allow space for relationships where we may not feel totally stable or completely safe, so we can look at our reactions, see what wounds are poked at and what parts are activated, and do the work of healing and change. Which may mean walking away, or may mean becoming curious and seeing what is yours and what is theirs and if there is a way to work through the conflict together, without blame, accusations, or punishment, but with love, curiosity, and compassion.
Part of connecting to and growing our autonomy is also connecting to, surrendering to, and growing our interdependence. Our healing and growth is proportional to the different types of relationships we have and our willingness to risk vulnerability, rejection, and heartache with the potential of emotional intimacy, deep connection and understanding, and being seen and accepted as we are.
We are all flawed humans. We all carry wounds, from our primary caregivers, from “friends,” from our society. Acknowledging this, and having compassion not only for ourselves, but for others, is part of our work. Being in relationship means that we will experience some pain, because the more emotionally intimate we become, the more potential for having our wounds poked at. Being in relationship with those who also want to grow and heal, who want to live in alignment with their own Soul and values, who understand that we all are human and make mistakes, is something that can be magical while also having times of deep grief and a need to confront our own pain and be with it and in it, as well as being with others in their pain.
Relationships where there are opportunities for growth and healing, as well as intimacy and connection, are what it means to be human. As we each do our inner work, we need to also be doing our relational work. This is how we co-create a world where we nurture and nourish each other, instead of harm and hurt each other.
This is the first publication of this essay.
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