Some days... (v 4)
From the archives (2022)
Some days when the sun is out and the air is whispering Spring is near and the water is clear and reflective and you take a deep breath and you make a wish while knowing in your bones that wish has already come true even as you are lost in your own not knowing and vagueness and wanting the both and of contradictory things, you take just a moment to feel your feet on the ground and your heart and soul in your chest and being and you can recognize the wholly holy sacredness of it all, this life you have, this life you fought tooth and nail for and still struggle surrendering to. A life that isn’t perfect, a life that still has struggles, a life that most don’t understand, and yet it is yours and you wouldn’t give it up for anything, even while looking forward to the next unfolding, the next becoming, the next iteration.
Some days the quiet within envelops you like a cashmere sweater or warm bath or the slow, warm, burn of whiskey gliding down your throat and in those moments you know “This. This. This.”
Some days you meet a person who just by being themselves allows a part of you to come out of hiding, to exist, to be, to breathe, without shame or fear and you wonder why you ever hid that part of you in first place. And you may think that this person saved your life, and maybe they did, and a truth is you saved yourself through them, and isn’t that its own form of magic?
Some days you miss a person so much you want to burst into tears and song because the missing isn’t painful, it is beautiful and a statement of who they are and you are and you and they are. The longing can be delicious and frustrating in the same moments and now you hold this both and in ways you couldn’t before, and this recognition of the transformation you experienced gives you peace.
Some days worry gnaws at your spirit and dreams and you hear them and wish there was something, anything, you could do to change the right now and be standing in that space, water flowing down your chest, back, face where everything is right and perfect with fairy lights and candles and the knowing you are home and safe and free and all that matters is this moment right now. You rest in the knowing their path is theirs and you are not here to fix them, but to support them if they want it, as you walk your own path, knowing that your paths may diverge never to cross again, and if that happens you will keep the memories and the ways you changed through them.
Some days there is clarity and motivation and shifting and wanting and craving and knowing you can have all you want but it won’t be on your timeline because the universe knows better and gluttony while not a sin could be your downfall. And being in the surrender of the unfolding, surrendering to your own knowing and also lack of control over the when and where allows your mind and body to rest and be in the now in ways you couldn’t before.
Some days the words flow and the love flows and the ease flows and instead of questioning or second guessing it you allow it all to be.
Some days release feels like expansion and shedding feels like freedom and letting go feels like the most delicious surrender. And you feel yourself spreading past your own edges and while it may be uncomfortable you know it is only way to get to the places you know you are meant to be.
May we all have many days like these as our futures unfold into our present moments.
This piece was first published on IG in 2022, was revised for publication here in 2023, and is being revised again for publication today.
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