Inevitable change
From the archives (April 2021)
There may be times when an inevitable change is coming and everything in us wants to kick against and fight it.
There may be times when an inevitable change is coming and even though we knew it would come eventually there is still a lot of grief when it finally arrives.
There may be times when an inevitable change is coming and for a moment we fight against it and feel all the weight of the grief and then someone says something to remind you how this change can be different and maybe there doesn’t need to be the fighting against it or the grief.
There may be times in the midst of an inevitable change that we do a thing we know we shouldn’t and everyone tells us not to do but we do it anyway and it turns out it was the best thing we could do to calm our systems and see the possibilities.
There may be times when we see an inevitable change coming and we are able to embrace it. Even in the grief. Even in the not knowing the other side of it all.
There may be times when we are able to acknowledge our own knowing. And are able to trust that knowing. Deep in our sinew and soul.
There may be times when we feel deep within us a truth. Our truth. And dancing and entwining with this truth is our knowing and our trust.
And we know that love will win. And it may not look like what we thought it would or what we planned and still we know and trust in the process enough to take a step back and actually allow it all to unfold as it needs to. We stop trying to force our will and instead just allow it to be what it is meant to be.
…
I wrote the above five years ago as a relationship was ending. A relationship, at the time, I didn’t want it to end, that there was still more for us to experience, to be, to do. A truth is also, I wasn’t ready, nor was the other person, for what we could and should have been. We both had life lessons and experiences to go through that we couldn’t with each other. I knew that then as clearly as I know it now in hindsight.
A year ago this person re-entered my life. I didn’t expect it. I had all but forgotten about them. But there they were and there we were as if no time had passed at all.
I grieved when our relationship ended five years ago. It was messy. It was painful. And eventually I moved on with my life. I met others who made me laugh and smile, who felt like home and tasted like freedom. I grew relationships that already existed, having the time and space to nurture and nourish them in ways I couldn’t before. I learned more about myself, I unmasked more, I healed more, I grew, I expanded, I contracted and then expanded again, all while unlearning and dislodging harmful conditioning and indoctrination around relationships and what they “should” be.
I knew then that love would win and come back. I didn’t expect it to come back in the same vessel. And for many years, it didn’t - it came from different vessels and in different and various forms. It came from old friends and new lovers and chosen family. From the trees and rivers and ocean. It came from my guides and ancestors. It came from my own soul, my own body, my own being.
Even when we know what is to come, we don’t know all the details or specifics or timing. This is where trust and faith, in ourselves, in the universe, comes in. This requires processing our unresolved trauma, unlearning our harmful indoctrination, learning what it means to be in true relationship, without abuse, without manipulation, without letting our wounding run the show. It requires us to be able to see each other and ourselves clearly, without projections, without living in the “potential” of who a person “could” be. It requires us to be, sometimes painfully, honest with ourselves about what is, accepting it, and moving through our life appropriately, not living in fantasies, but living in reality. It requires us to be embodied, present, living in our own skin and in the now.
Meeting each other where we are, supporting growth and change without expecting or demanding it, this is how we learn, how we experience love, for ourselves and for each other. This is how we flow with the unfolding that is out of our control and embrace our agency and become the main characters of our own lives.
The first part of this essay was published on insta in April 2021, the second half was written for publication today.
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