Feeling alone
From the archives (2020)
Sometimes we feel so devastingly alone.
Even when we know we aren’t really alone.
Still, we feel so fucking alone.
It feels like the entire world is on our shoulders and it’s all crashing down.
Like we don’t know how we’re going to make ends meet at the end of the month or even end of the week.
Like everything that can go wrong, is.
Like the world is imploding and exploding all at once and there is nothing or very little we can do about it.
Like we want to be held, physically, emotionally, but only by a certain person. And it’s not possible to be held by them because of circumstances, be they time and distance, be they death, be they because that person is going through it too and doesn’t have capacity, be that because that person has chosen to no longer be a part of our life.
And we just feel so fucking alone.
And scared.
And worried.
And tired.
These times come.
And they also go.
But fuck, when we are in them they hurt so much, and we hold so much pain and fear and frustration and grief in those moments that can last hours or days or weeks or months.
I don’t have an answer for when we are in these times. I have no magical five step protocol to pull us out of them. No divine concoction to take to make it all go away.
My only answe is : I know them too.
I’ve been there.
I will be there again.
They do pass even when they feel like they won’t.
Times right now are terrifying and confusing and likely a whole lot of our own trauma is being activated. Our own trauma, and the trauma we carry from our ancestors, the trauma we carry because of the systems of harm, the trauma we carry and try desperately not to pass on to others.
Remember to be gentle.
With you.
With others.
Try not to judge.
Do what you can to no allow fear to make all your choices.
Breathe.
We matter.
We ARE loved (even when we don’t feel it).
We will get through this together.
Together is the only way we will get through it.
This essay was originally published on insta in March 2020. It has been edited for publication today.
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