ERETM4 : 01. Patriarchy
Embodied Relating Exploring Trauma and how it impacts our relationships series
What is Patriarchy
From Google, the definition of patriarchy:
a system of society or government in which the father or eldest male is head of the family and descent is traced through the male line.
a system of society or government in which men hold the power and women are largely excluded from it.
a society or community organized on patriarchal lines.
From Merriam-Webster:
social organization marked by the supremacy of the father in the clan or family, the legal dependence of wives and children, and the reckoning of descent and inheritance in the male line
broadly : control by men of a disproportionately large share of power
a society or institution organized according to the principles or practices of patriarchy
From Wikipedia:
Patriarchy is a social system in which men hold primary power and predominate in roles of political leadership, moral authority, social privilege and control of property. Some patriarchal societies are also patrilineal, meaning that property and title are inherited by the male lineage.
Patriarchy is associated with a set of ideas, a patriarchal ideology that acts to explain and justify this dominance and attributes it to inherent natural differences between men and women. Sociologists hold varied opinions on whether patriarchy is a social product or an outcome of innate differences between the sexes.
Historically, patriarchy has manifested itself in the social, legal, political, religious, and economic organization of a range of different cultures. Most contemporary societies are, in practice, patriarchal.
I've provided the three different sources to underline the point that patriarchy is, by definition, about male dominance. It is, by definition, about men (typically white, CIS, heterosexual, but in point of fact it is also about all men) having power and control over women (and I will add non-binary persons).
When we add the system of capitalism to the system of patriarchy, we create a system where those who are controled and have power held over them, become commodities, objects, and in general only have value when they are producing.
While patriarchy on the surface looks like it is a benefit to men and detriment to all other persons, in reality patriarchy is a detriment to all persons. It provides and encourages the ideas of authoritarianism, humans as property, normalizing of abuse and violence as a way to "keep people in line," and disregard for emotions (beyond anger) and "weakness."
Patriarchy, by its definition as well as its practice, discourages equal relationships between people, condemns emotional intimacy and openness, and has total disregard for boundaries and autonomy, particularly of those who have power held over them.
Patriarchy's impacts on our relationships
We live in a patriarchal society. We have all internalized, to some degree, the messaging that is given by patriarchy. Because of this, we all have our work to do in unraveling the ways it impacts our personal relationships. What narratives have we internalized about men vs women? How do we approach emotional intimacy and openness? How to we respond to expressions of emotions beyond anger, both our own and that of others?
These are questions I invite us all to explore and consider. Because patriarchy discourages us from having "equal" relationships. It discourages us from being in touch with our own emotions, our own wants, our own needs (this is true for men especially, but all humans in general; consider the idea that anytime a woman expresses an emotion of any kind she is being "hysterical.")
Our very autonomy is disregarded in a patriarchal culture. The idea that anyone other than those socialized as men have any kind of agency or power over their own lives is not acceptable within a patriarchal structure. Again, patriarchy at its core and roots is about domination and control.
Counteracting the impacts of patriarchy on our relationships
The first step in any kind of change is acknowledging The Thing we do that we want to change. I invite you to consider the ways patriarchal thinking plays out within your own relationships (all relationships, not only romantic ones, and not only ones with other humans) and what part you play within that.
A truth is we cannot actually control the behaviors of others. Looking for ways others are playing out patriarchal thinking in our relationship with them may be insightful, and I caution that at the end of the day, it is only our own behaviors and ways of thinking that we have any control over shifting and changing.
In addition, I would invite you to consider exploring different ways you could bring more nurturance and equality into all your relationships. Where are the places you cut off your or others' emotional expressions and how can you change your reactions to be more understanding, empathic, and nurturing both for yourself and the other person(s).
Moving from a mindset of domination and control to one of equality and nurturance requires a lot of intention, practice, and relatively constant evaluation of our own behaviors and how certain interactions play out in our daily lives. This work asks us to become more and more self-aware as well as to develop our own practice of self- and other compassion.
Self-Regulation Exercises
Heart Hold
Place your right hand over your heart so that the heel of your hand is at your heart and your fingertips are at your collarbone. Apply as much pressure with your hand as feels good to you. You can also put your left hand over the top of your right to apply more pressure. Alternatively, place your left hand on your abdomen. Apply pressure at your belly and heart at the same time.
Neck Turn
Sit or stand and *slowly* move your head (so that your neck moves too) from left to right, as well as up (towards the ceiling/sky) and down (towards the floor/ground) and back again, noticing and commenting on (either in your head or out loud) everything you see. Comment on colors, textures, how the light or shadows are, etc. It is important to move your head and neck and not just scan with your eyes.
Stream of Conscious Writing Prompts
How do control and domination play a part in the ways you relate to others? To yourself?
What are your thoughts on patriarchy in general? How do you see you benefit from patriarchal thinking? How are you harmed?
What would an "equal" relationship look like to you?
How do you respond when others express big emotions of sadness, grief, frustration, hurt? How do you react to your own big emotions?
How could you bring a more nurturing and compassionate mindset into the ways you relate with others and yourself?
This is content from a series of multiple three week modules I offered in 2022. Each three week grouping has an overall general theme, but all weeks can be stand-alone information and practices for you. As always, take what resonates and leave the rest.
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