ERETM3 : 03. Emotional intimacy, trauma, & positive pattern recognition
Embodied Relating Exploring Trauma and how it impacts our relationships series
What is intimacy
From this article:
Emotional intimacy is generally defined as a closeness in which both partners feel secure and loved and in which trust and communication abounds.
There are five aspects of emotional intimacy, from the Emotional Intimacy Scale (EIS) used in couples therapy. They are (from Wikipedia article):
This person completely accepts me as I am
I can openly share my deepest thoughts and feelings with this person
This person cares deeply for me
This person would willingly help me in any way
My thoughts and feelings are understood and affirmed by this person
This scale can apply to all our relationships, not only our romantic ones. We can look at our relationships with family members, with friends, with coworkers, through this lens, considering each aspect and "ranking" it for ourselves.
And finally, there are the levels of emotional intimacy that we build in our relationships, starting with safe communication and then leading up to feeling safe enough to share our needs, emotions, and desires (from this article):
Safe communication
Other person's beliefs and opinions
Personal beliefs and opinions
My feelings and experiences
My needs, emotions, desires
How trauma impacts our ability to be emotionally intimate
When we experience trauma at a young age, our brains develop in a way that generally and specifically says “other people aren’t safe;” “other people can’t be trusted;” “it isn’t safe to be ourselves with other people, we have to hide who we are or parts of who we are;” “it’s unsafe to have wants, needs, or boundaries;” etc. We grew these specific neural pathways in order to survive our percieved or real threat of harm and or abandoment (where abandoment, in our growing brains would mean death).
This is a survival tool, and an important one when we look at human evolution. The issue is that these neural pathways are still there when we are adults, when we are not in imminent danger, when we can and do take care of our own physiological needs. These old neural pathways, or thoughts, can then wreak havoc on our relationships.
We know that because trauma is generally created in relationship, the only way to really work through it, to process it, to grow new neural pathways and allow the old ones to atrophy, is in relationship also. What this looks like for each of us is unique.
It is important to note that this processing and learning new ways of being happens across multiple relationships. It isn’t up to one person to help us “heal” all our trauma, just as it isn’t our responsibility to “heal” anyone else’s. The only person responsible for processing our trauma and learning new ways of being in relationship with others, is us. And when we are able to find others who want to be in relationship where there is mutual growth, that is where the work can really begin.
I believe in the importance of embodiment, of self-regulation, of body reclamation. This is work we can do on our own and or with a trusted and competent trauma support practitioner (be they therapist, coach, clergy, or other professional). This is a foundation which I believe is vital for not only our own personal growth, but also for the growth and expansion of our personal and intimate relationships (and ultimately the healing and growth of the greater collective).
However embodiment work is not all that is required to help atrophy these old neural pathways that say others are not safe and therefore prevent us from deeper and more intimate connections with those in our lives we very much want to have these connections with. We need to practice actually connecting with others on these more intimate levels, using the tools of embodiment to help regulate our systems in the process.
Positive Pattern Recognition
Positive Pattern Recognition a process of literally listing all the good things a person has done for us, the kind or sweet things they have said, the ways they have shown up “positively” in conflict, the ways they show love, care, and nurturing. We keep this list handy for us to look at in times where we notice our fear and our trauma responses starting to surface and trying to tell us how this person is bad, doesn’t care about us, etc. For example I used to have a special folder on my phone for the person(s) I was currently dating at the time that includes photos, screenshots of texts, and notes of things the person has said or done in person, that I would look at when I was either feeling insecure about the relationship, when there is a conflict between us, or when my own trauma responses were present and trying to convince me of things that simply weren’t true about that/those relationship/s.
By intentionally reminding ourselves of the "positives" we are able to counteract the "negative" thought process that may come up when we are activated. Thoughts that start with "They never..." "They always..." "If they loved me they'd..." "They should know/I shouldn't have to tell them..." etc. Or the thoughts of "They don't love me" and all the variations we have of this statement.
I want to note there is a difference between being loved and feeling loved. Often trauma won't allow us to feel loved, because according our trauma minds being loved is unsafe, impossible, or a combination of the two. This is why positive pattern recognition is important, to retrain our brains that being in close relationships can be safe enough, and that we are very much lovable.
Closing thoughts
Learning to be in truly emotionally intimate relationships takes intention and practice over time. We will make mistakes. We will trust people who aren’t trustworthy. We will have days when our trauma responses take charge. This is all part of the process and we don’t know that we ever move past any of these things, and perhaps they occur less and less frequently and we are able to catch ourselves earlier and earlier in the process.
It will feel uncomfortable when we begin this process. We will need to have “arguments” with ourselves about what is past and what is present, what was true in the past compared to what is currently true. Growing new neural pathways and learning new ways of being in relationship with others and with ourselves, is an ongoing process and there will be expansion and contraction in this process. I would like to remind you of this and for you to have compassion for yourself, your clients, and others you are in relationship with, in the discomfort, in the expansions, and in the contractions.
Body Reclamation Exercise
Basic: Begin by gently tapping, tracing, squeezing, or simply resting your right hand on the palm of your left hand with the fingers of your right. Notice how this sensation feels in the palm of your hand for a moment. Next, while continuing your touch your left hand with your right, look at the palm of your left hand, and say to yourself (out loud or in your head) "This is my left hand. This is the palm of my left hand. This is MY left hand being touched by my right hand."
Now, pause for a moment (stop touching) and notice what you feel physically as well as psychologically and emotionally. Do you feel tingly, or vibrate-y? Do you feel numb? Hot or cold? Do you feel anxious? Sad? Annoyed? Simply notice what you are feeling in this moment.
Next, turn your hand over and begin tapping/squeezing/holding/touching the back of your left hand. Notice how it feels for a moment and then again say "This is my left hand. This is the back of my left hand. This is MY left hand being touched by my right hand." After saying those words (out loud or in your head), stop tapping and again notice how you are feeling, emotionally, physically, and psychologically.
Now, repeat the above with your right hand.
Continue by choosing another part of your body: lower and upper arms, crook of elbow, shoulders, neck, feet, legs, face, abdomen, etc. Each time, while touching and looking at the body part, verbally claim it as yours. I recommend doing no more than three body parts in any one sitting.
Note: You may want to do this exercise by starting only with your hands and stopping. Notice how you are feeling. If you are beginning to feel overwhelmed or flooded, stop, do some nervous system soothing (getting a glass of water always seems to help with this particularly) and come back to the exercise in a few hours or the next day.
For those with chronic pain and for whom the actual tapping of your body may be too physically painful try the following modifications instead. It is most important that you do what feels good and right for your body while doing the hard work of noticing and reclaiming.
Body Reclamation Exercise Modification 1
Instead of touching, simply look at your body part and say the words of reclaiming, again either out loud or inside your head.
Body Reclamation Exercise Modification 2
Instead of actually touching your skin/body, tap just above it.
Stream of Conscious Writing Prompts
What does emotional intimacy mean to you?
In what ways do you tend to avoid emotional intimacy?
What happens in your body when you think about sharing your needs, emotions, and or desires with those in your inner circle? How does your body respond differently when you consider individual people?
How do you express when you are hurt? What happens in your body when you consider expressing your hurt to the person who caused it?
How do you (or do you at all) think Positive Pattern Recognition would be helpful for your close relationships?
This is content from a series of multiple three week modules I offered in 2022. Each three week grouping has an overall general theme, but all weeks can be stand-alone information and practices for you. As always, take what resonates and leave the rest.
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