When you want to crawl out of your skin and pull out your hair and bury yourself in a cocoon…
When the rage is so visceral you can taste it in your tears, at the back of your throat, in the pit of your stomach as it rings loudly in your ears…
When you want that container that held you so perfectly, tethering you without tying you down…
When what you need is no longer available and all you can do is grieve…
When old coping mechanisms leave you even more frustrated and discombobulated…
When they broke you in the worst, most horrific, painful ways…
When they broke you in the best, most delicious, healing ways…
When you don’t know where your next step will land and everything ahead of you is murky, encased in a dreamy fog…
When different earth and water and fire is calling you home and there is no way to dig your toes into it…
When you are bone tired from being the understanding one and yet it is the only way you want to be…
When you’re still sorting it out in your dreams and are left more confused and sad…
When you know to be prepared for the unexpected and you don’t know what that even means (how do you prepare for the unknown?)…
When you know they are deep in it too and can barely keep themselves from drowning (and they won’t let you throw them a life ring because they don’t want to pull you under with them)…
When you know what you want and have no idea how to get it because it’s new and ancient and within and outside of you…
When the overwhelm is too much and you need that specific release and it’s no where in sight…
When the words refuse to form and flow and yet you feel them at the tips of your fingers screaming to be set free…
When you find yourself grasping at the things you can change and control and know even by changing everything it will change nothing…
When all they see is the fantasy they created and you wish it wasn’t the wall they are afraid to walk through…
When the stuckness is a cage you can’t break out of no matter how hard you rattle it…
When all you can do is root down, breathe in, be in it so it can flow and pass…
When in these times ::
Dig into earth.
Allow the water to wash over you.
Let the air feed the fire as it burns away what was and produces the fertile soil for what will be.
This essay was originally published on Insta in May 2023. It has been edited for publication here.
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Pretty Random : A random list o tings
Ebb, flow, beginnings, endings : An essay written in 2020, edited and revised for today
EWP 08 : This discomfort of nakedness - Embodied Writing Pleasure series
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