Sometimes making decisions is about choosing between two paths, knowing you will always wonder What If about the path not chosen.
That is what makes it a hard decision.
Sometimes we can change our minds about choices we make, and go back and choose the one we didn't originally.
Sometimes we can't.
Sometimes we regret the decisions we make.
Sometimes we don't.
I know I live in a place of What If about a few different decisions I've made over the years.
What if I'd chosen the other? What if I'd left? What if I'd stayed? What if I'd said yes? What if I'd said no?
What if I'd known how to manage my anxiety better?
What if I'd been curious and asked?
What if I'd waited?
We can't know the answers to these questions. We don't know what the road not taken would have looked like or where it may have led us.
Still, I think we sometimes feel the weight of these what ifs heavy in our chests, our guts, on our shoulders, in our hearts.
Sometimes, maybe these what ifs are reminders to perhaps choose differently next time.
Sometimes, though, they are a weight that keeps us stuck and not moving forward, trying not to choose out of fear of choosing "wrong."
My work, my personal inner work, has been, in part, about being brave. Taking risks, especially when I have something to lose. To break these patterns and cycles that have kept me stuck. That have kept me safe in so many ways. But even though I was "safe," I wasn't happy.
I wasn't free.
I want to choose love. And real love is freedom. There can be commitment, but not obligation. There can be deep knowing and understanding, but not assumptions. There is curiosity. Vulnerability. Bravery.
It is stepping into new and different and totally unknown terrain.
And those first steps were terrifying as fuck.
And. I don't want to wonder What If I'd been brave. Or What If I'd been curious. Or What If I'd opened myself more.
Living bravely is a risk. We risk being misunderstood. We risk rejection. We risk our effort not being reciprocated, or appreciated, or even seen.
And while it is a risk, and it may not work out the way we want or hope, it is part of being fully alive, being rooted in who we are and our own values. It is part of loving and part of how we find our own freedom and peace.
Grief, disappointment, heartache are all part of being human. Trying to avoid these experiences blocks us from fully feeling love, care, nurturance. The human experience is multilayered and multidimensional, we cannot have the “good” without the “bad”.
And maybe that is part of the issue, judging our emotions, our lived experiences of them, as good or bad, instead of just allowing them to be, to exist without judgement or hierarchy. Maybe our fear of actually feeling “bad” prevents us from truly feeling “good.”
And so, what can you choose differently today? What risk, no matter how small, can you take in the name of seeking connection, love, care? How can you lessen the number of what ifs you ask in the future by making a riskier than usual choice today?
This essay was originally published in February 2020. It has been edited for publication here.
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