Unrealistic expectations in adult relationships
aka how we project unmet childhood needs inappropriately
All of us have insecurities because of the society we exist in, the families we were raised in, the traumas we experienced and carry. Insecurities about our looks, our bodies, if we’re good enough for this, too much for that, not enough of this thing, too old or too young, too smart or not smart enough. Capitalist society has us looking at eachother as competition, isolating, and constantly striving to do better, be better, have better. There is no resting in enough-ness, there is no allowance for satisfaction of what is. There is only looking at ourselves as broken, needing to be improved, and if only we achieve this thing then all will be well. The problem being even if we do achieve this thing, then there’s another thing (and another, and another) we need to achieve before we can be happy, enjoy life, exist as we are.
What if, instead of looking at ourselves as broken, looking at everyone else as “having it together,” or worse, as competition to getting any or all of our needs and wants met, we slowed down and saw what actually is in front of us? What if we slowed down and gave ourselves permission to be as we are? What if we took a step back and looked at our relationships, and ourselves, with a more objective eye and could see the both and of the gorgeousness and ugliness (and everything betweeen) of what actually is?
Many of us live with an underlying fear of not getting our wants and needs met, what pop psychology likes to call a “sense of lack.” This fear, and the neuropathways that it stems from, was born out of experiences where either our needs and wants weren’t met or they were threatened consistently enough for us to have a great deal of anxiety around whether or not they would be met on any given day. These childhood and younger adult experiences form the ways our brains develop, and as such, then form and influence the ways we are in relationship throughout our lives, long after those experiences have passed. The good news is that neuroplasticity exists, and so this is possible for us to change - all we have to do is rewire our brains!
Rewiring our brains is not simple, easy, nor straighforward. However it is possible. I may write more about that more directly another time, as it is the core of the work I do with my clients individually. Today, though I want to write more about learning to trust ourselves, others, and our relationships and to do less of the striving we have been socially trained and encouraged to do (which, of course, is also part of rewiring our brains).
When we live in a space of fear about not being and or not having enough, we are in survival mode.
Keep reading with a 7-day free trial
Subscribe to Embodied Relating to keep reading this post and get 7 days of free access to the full post archives.