A short list of things I’ve learned and know in my older years…
Every lover doesn’t have to be a great love.
Every great love doesn't need to, nor should, last forever.
Sometimes great loves can be reignited.
And in that reignition, things can never go back to how they were before.
There is a reason great loves end.
If both people haven't grown and shifted and done their work... if both aren't willing to continue growing and shifting and doing their work... well then we are only ever grasping at ghosts woul can only live in the past.
The past is past. This moment now is what we have as we look forward to the future.
I don't want to be stuck in the past. Ever. I don’t want to be always in the fantasy of the future or possibilities. I want to be in the here and now, in the what actually is.
In relationships, both people need to be able, or at least is willing to learn and try, to communicate and express what they feel, what is happening for them internally, what they want and need.
It can super easy for people to express themselves when they’re not emotionally attached. This is true of so many of us.
Some relationships are broken to begin with. This doesn’t mean we can’t enjoy and learn from them while they last.
Complex trauma wreaks havoc on our relationships when it is left unprocessed, unexplored, unacknowledged.
Fear of abandonment is an attachment wound that stems from childhood.
Knowing some people fundamentally changes us for the better. This doesn’t mean these people are meant to be forever people in our lives.
No two loves are the same. No two people are the same. That doesn’t make anyone better or worse than another.
We are all unique and irreplaceable. We are all so similar and often interchangeable. Both these truths can be held at once.
Happiness is found in the moments we are able to be present to joy. We can only be present to joy if we are also able to be present to grief and heartache.
We need to romance our friends at least as much as we romance our lovers.
I can only be in relationships that help me grow. I’m too old to waste my time on superficiality or shallow thinking or being.
Healing occurs in layers, fits and starts, nonlinearly. It cannot be rushed or forced and always happens in its own time.
This essay was originally published in January 2020. It has been edited for publication here.
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Recent essays on Embodied Relating:
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