Life is rarely what we plan for. This doesn’t mean we shouldn’t make plans, however it may mean that we shouldn’t be so attached to them that we prevent ourselves from enjoying or being in unexpected experiences.
My life now is not what I anticipated in my 30s. In my teens and 20s I never would have thought I’d still be alive at 52. There have been so many plot twists, so many surprises, so many turns “off” course, some beautiful, some horrifying, some relatively neutral. I think any of us who have lived more than a couple decades can say the same.
Over my birthday celebration weekend I had moments of deep cathartic grief, release, and expansion into being cared for. I was held, both literally and figuratively, as the tears poured and the sobs rang out. It was a deeper visceral realization that my life now, while not perfect and still filled with challenges, is so much more than I could have planned for, than I could have dreamed about, than I could have imagined.
I’m learning, perhaps too slowly at times, how to Trust. How to Trust my Self. How to Trust others. How to Trust Timing. How to Trust the Universe. And in this learning to Trust, I’m also learning how to be held.
I’m learning that being Held is not the same thing as being caged. That when people can hold without expectations or assumptions or demands, I won’t feel trapped. That the more I show of my Core Self, the more of My People come into my life (and the more I can come into theirs).
I’ve always been afraid of dying alone. I held onto a story for a long time that my mother died alone, because she didn’t have a “significant other.” That she didn’t have anyone by her side to help her through life, through her last days, through her last hours. This story was so false. My mom was surrounded by people who loved her, who cared for her, who held her, even in her last moments. My mom had literally dozens of significant people in her life. They just weren’t the kinds of relationships we’re told we’re supposed to have, supposed to want.
The more I’m opening myself to the possibilities of relationships, the more I become curious about what could be instead of what “should” be, the more layers of expectations, assumptions, and demands I release, the more beautiful, lush, and intimate my relationships become. And the more I can actually feel,
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