Sometimes we need to be done but we don’t know what the kindest way to stop is.
Neurospicy overwhelm mixed with RSD (ours and or another’s) can put us in shut down and or defensive mode. How we manage these activated parts is important for the safety of our relationships (with ourselves and others).
When our relationships change course and dynamics shift it is important to ask ourselves why we are staying - is it because we actually want to move with the change or are we too afraid of letting go and allowing a natural ending?
Discerning between normal conversation and being asked to perform excessive emotional labor can be tricky.
Allowing (new or older) connections to get to see us and know us in our more unmasked states can be extremely uncomfortable and unnerving. Also see 2.
Sometimes we cause unintentional harm or hurt, even when we haven’t technically done anything wrong or bad. It is our responsibility in our relationships to make amends and to hold ourselves accountable in these circumstances sometimes in order to repair the damaged connection. Having empathy for the other person’s point of view and the context is important. We shouldn’t let our ego stop us from relating and connecting, even if our ego is “right.” Sometimes being in relationship requires us to see things from the other person’s point of view, not just our own.
It would be amusing how some of our parts try to sabotage some things if it weren’t so frustrating and didn’t actually cause so much harm to our relationships.
When we don’t have capacity, we don’t have capacity. Trying to push ourselves past our capacity, trying to give more than we actually have to give, only leads to resentment and conflict. Taking breaks (in whatever ways) from the intensity and stress of any given situation or relationship actually is part of sustaining the relationship and giving to it, the other, and yourself in nurturing and nourishing ways.
When someone triggers us, but hasn’t actually caused harm, we don’t have the right to attempt to shame them for us being triggered, particularly when we have caused actual harm to the person’s mental and potentially physical health because of our own selfishness, lying, and attempts at gaslighting.
It is vital for our relationships, with ourselves, others, the planet, to own the harm and potential harm we have caused. When we don’t we only keep ourselves stuck in increasing patterns of harm that will eventually be so deep it will take decades to pull ourselves out of.
Endings aren’t always big, dramatic, or obvious. Sometimes they just quietly slip in and we don’t notice for weeks or months.
Noticing when we are activated and removing ourselves from a situation so we don’t do or say something we regret is a practice. Having people who give is the space to remove ourselves when necessary is important.
Learning and honoring our own natural rhythms and cycles can be a key to finding our ways to peace.
Sometimes our protector parts step in and take charge and force a quiet when we are in overwhelm and don’t respect our own capacity. Sometimes this can be benign and sometimes very destructive.
We never really start over with clean slates. No matter where we go, there we are. Everything we try to run from eventually always catches up with us.
We can surround ourselves with people who feed our delusions, placate us, use us to avoid their own voids and trauma OR we can do the work that goes against our ego and surround ourselves with people who will be honest with us, lovingly call us on our bs, and do their own inner work so they aren’t projecting roles onto us we never asked to play.
Our kindness, generosity , and respect can end when someone tries to manipulate, gaslight, guilt, or shame us. This doesn’t mean we have a right to cause harm, and it does mean we don’t need to give that person our time or energy anymore.
Living in a fantasy that everything will magically be better once X happens only keeps us stuck repeating our same old patterns of harm, generally with them escalating in severity and our own misery.
Knowing and respecting the limitations of our capacity and social battery actually allows us to be kinder to others and ourselves.
We can care for a person and recognize it is not our job to take care of them. Boundaries and reciprocity are both important parts of relationship.
This is the first and only publication this RLoT in its entirety.
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Ways for us to connect
Embodied Relating/Trauma Informed Embodiment on Insta*
Gwynn Raimondi Writes on Insta*
Soothe Your Nervous System Card Deck
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Tarot Readings Every month I offer four readings and they are given on a first come, first served basis.
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*Note: I am slowly moving away from social media. The best place to find me, and my work, is here on Substack.
Recent essays on Embodied Relating:
Love Letters : Multiple notes to multiple people
What if I’d : A short essay from 2020 updated
EWP : 01. Voices in our head (Embodied Writing Pleasure series)
More Memes, Quotes, & Images