Evolution of change, growth, healing
When my big kid was born, I was terrified. Not only had we had a horrible pregnancy and an even more horrible birth experience that traumatized me, them, and their dad, but as I held this little being for the first time, I was overwhelmed with love for them. This feeling, of pure love and adoration, scared me. I looked into that baby’s eyes and I knew from that day forward my heart was never going to exist inside my chest again. I knew that any harm that would come to them, would also wound me. I knew that this tiny being not only could be my own undoing, but would be my undoing, and I didn’t know what to do with that knowledge for a long time.
I knew nothing about parenting. My own parents were abusive and neglectful. I knew I didn’t want to parent like they did, that I wanted to break the cycles of harm and abuse, that I wanted my child to never doubt for a second how loved and wanted they were. I wanted so much for them, for us. I wanted a relationship with them that I only dreamed of ever having with my own mother.
But I was scared. So fucking scared. I was scared of unintentionally harming them, doing wrong by them. And honestly I was completely terrified of the immense love I felt for that small human, who was now in my care and my responsibility to not only keep alive, but also help thrive out in the world. The feelings were truly overwhelming, and I was in a state of freeze as well as in a disorganized attachment state where I was wanting to be close and overwhelmed by the feelings of closeness.
I knew I wanted to do different than my parents, and so read all the books and learned to trust myself on what felt right for them and us and what didn’t. But at the end of the day no parenting book was helping my over-activated nervous system calm down.
I was in therapy. I did EMDR (which frankly did wonders for the trauma of their birth). I had a supportive co-parent (though I didn’t feel supported at the time, I can look back and see the ways he was there for them and for me). My relationship with my own mother was mending. I was doing everything I knew to do at the time. And none of it was working in the ways I needed it to so I could be the mother I wanted to be.
Eventually, when they were about three, I stumbled upon mindfulness and the idea of embodiment (as well as learning how trauma is a somatic entity and not just in our minds). And because I can’t just do things as I’m told to do them,
Keep reading with a 7-day free trial
Subscribe to Embodied Relating to keep reading this post and get 7 days of free access to the full post archives.