ERETM4 :: 02. Toxic Monogamy
Embodied Relating Exploring Trauma and how it impacts our relationships series
Some Definitions
From Google, the definition of Monogamy:
the practice or state of being married to one person at a time.
the practice or state of having a sexual relationship with only one partner.
the habit of having only one mate at a time.
From Google, the definition of toxic:
poisonous.
very harmful or unpleasant in a pervasive or insidious way.
If you google "toxic relationship," the definition always includes a reference to abuse (physical or emotional) and implies conscious intention of one (or both) partner(s) causing harm to the other.
My concern with these definitions are the ideas that:
In order for a relationship to be toxic, there has to be actual abuse present
That harm caused is always both conscious and intentional
That harm is inflicted by another person, and that we can't/don't actually sometimes inflict it upon ourselves.
When we look at monogamy in particular, and the ways that it can be toxic, it is important to consider the ways our patriarchal culture and conditioning contributes to our beliefs about monogamy, what it should like, and how important it may actually be to us.
In looking at our own conditioning, we can start to evaluate our own personal values as it comes to our relationships (plantonic, romantic, and or sexual).
Defining Toxic Monogamy
First, I want to highly recommend the work of Mel Cassidy: Radical Relating. You can find Mel at her website. Mel has been an important part of my own exploration and unraveling of relationships and how I want to be in relationship.
These are some of the ideas that are involved in toxic monogamy:
One person is supposed to be our be all, end all, Everything, and to provide us with all our support, wants, and needs
Our romantic/sexual relationship takes priorty over all others
Autonomy is not allowed, the idea of two people becoming "one"
Love is a limited resource (one person only has "so much" love to give)
That we can only ever have "one true love"
A relationship’s "success" is based on longevity ("til death do us part")
That all relationships need to follow a specific trajectory, timeline, and need to be "heading somewhere"
When we add in how patriarchal thinking contributes to this, and how capitalism benefits from toxic monogamy and subjugation of women specifically (think all the "unseen" and unpaid labor that falls on women in heterosexual relationships), we can start to see how deeply enmeshed and intertwined patriarchy and toxic monogamy are.
Those of us who were socialized as female growing up, generally grew up with the ideas of the fairy tale romance, of how our "prince" will come, and we will have our happily every after. Many of us were also raised with the idea that our (heteronormative) wedding day is supposed to be the happiest day of our lives, a day where traditionally our father (or male primary caregiver) "gives us away" to our soon to be husband - a transfer of ownership. All of this contributes to and perpetuates the ideas behind toxic monogamy.
Shifting out of toxic monogamy
As I wrote previously, change begins with acknowledging that you want something to change. My invitation is to first look at your own romantic relationships, past and present, and to ask yourself these questions:
When I start dating a new person, do I begin to ignore my friendships and or family?
Do I expect my romantic partner to meet all my wants and needs?
Do I begin to shift my personal interests and or personality to match those of my (new) romantic partner?
When I enter into a new romantic relationship, do I have certain expectations that it is going to lead to a “serious”, long term, relationship?
When examining your responses, decide how uncomfortable you are with your answers. Perhaps your responses don't bother you. Perhaps you have no issue with the idea of having your romantic relationships be more important than your other relationships or the idea that one person is meant to meet all your wants and needs. If you fall into this category, then I would invite you to consider the pressure this kind of thinking puts on your partner (or potential future partners), on the relationship, and even on yourself.
What if, instead of valuing one relationship above all others, we valued all our relationships relatively equally? What if we acknowledged, and accepted, our romantic partners limitations, and then sought specific kinds of support from others, instead of constantly being frustrated and hurt that 'Our Person' doesn't "show up" for us the way we want them to? What if we encouraged our romantic partner and ourselves to find and persue our own interests separately instead of needing us to always do everything together, and when that is not possible just not doing whatever it is that interests us?
The idea I am encouraging is that of autonomy. To allow each person in the relationship to be their own person, with their own interests, and to have a community of support each person can connect to when needed. This doesn't mean we need to have multiple sexual or romantic partners (but it can!). We can be sexually and or romantically monogamous and still maintain our autonomy, have full relationships with friends and family (chosen or family of origin), have interests outside of our romantic partner's, and not need or want to have our romantic relationship be "leading somewhere" (and it's also okay if you do and your partner wants the same).
This all asks us to deeply examine our own conditioning around relationships and what they "should" or are "supposed to" be or look like. It asks us to connect deeply to our own wants and desires. It asks us to examine our own wounding, abandonment issues, and relational trauma and to see the ways we may be bringing this in to any and all of our relationships. None of this is easy, it is deeply self-confronting, and there will be days of not wanting to do it. Remembering to be gentle with yourself is vitally important, allowing space for your own curiosity and compassion as you move through the questions, some of which may not have concrete answers right now.
Self-Regulation Exercises
Listing Things
Start counting from one, or name all the colors you know, or name all 50 States, or name all the countries in Europe or Africa or Asia or South America, or all the capitals in Canada... Anything that is a list and that keeps your brain engaged and moves your focus from whatever is affecting you in the moment.
Do *not* list things you need to do or that are piling up, or things that are stressing you out. List mundane things like those listed above. You can also sit down and hand write out these lists (write out the numbers, countries, colors, shapes, etc). This will also help with moving your focus and has the added bonus of engaging your body.
Stream of Conscious Writing Prompts
What are your personal views of monogamy?
How does the idea of toxic monogamy sit with you?
How does questioning toxic monogamy feel in your body?
Where do you find yourself resisting the ideas of toxic monogamy?
How can you encourage more autonomy for yourself and your romantic relationship(s)?
This is content from a series of multiple three week modules I offered in 2022. Each three week grouping has an overall general theme, but all weeks can be stand-alone information and practices for you. As always, take what resonates and leave the rest.
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