Coming into the knowing
A short piece from the vault, updated for today
There may be moments when everything clicks into place. When after months of struggling, and fighting yourself (and others), and being clear in what you want but then the messages of what you should want or are supposed to want seep in along with all your trauma and abandonment issues and needing things to be a certain way because that’s what you know but you know it is absolutely not what you actually want. After all the tears and sorting and wanting and demanding and searching deep within, it just clicks.
That knowing you’ve had all along. The clarity of what you want and how you want to be. You re-member that you want something you’ve never allowed yourself to have. Your eyes open and you realize Holy Fuck, it’s right here. This thing you’ve always wanted, that you have been fighting against for months, is right here. And you’ve known this all along, you just didn’t know how to accept it. How to trust it. How to believe it.
And then you can breathe. And allow the space. And trust what you know about yourself and another and what you are, together and apart.
And in this breathing you allow another layer of the shifting and transforming and can see all the ways you tried to destroy something you very much always wanted and you smile at the magic of it still being here, now, even in the moments it isn’t literally in front of you.
You smile at the trust you’ve grown. At the love you’ve grown for yourself and you allow yourself to have this precious gift that has been right there for months and you knew it but couldn’t quite believe it or trust it but now in this moment you do. You fully believe it. You fully trust it.
And in this you know it is not forever and it is for now and now is all we have and sometimes forever lasts just for a minute and that is beautiful and maybe bittersweet but it doesn’t make it less precious or less magical or less perfect in all its imperfection.
And you can breathe back in the ease. The allowing. The joy. The Magic.
And you stop struggling and fighting and throwing temper tantrums and af finally able to rest in the knowing.
And that feels glorious.
This essay was originally published on Insta in April 2021. It has been revised for publication today.
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