No assumptions. No expectations. No demands.
This has been my mantra in relationships, all my relationships, for five years now. Every day I unearth a new layer of its meaning for me.
Everyday I see a way I have made an assumption or demand or had unspoken, and sometimes unrealistic, expectation. Every day I’m unraveling the stories I’ve been told about what relationships “should” look like and how they are “supposed” to “progress”.
I am frequently ask if a romantic/sexual relationship I’m currently in is “leading anywhere”. My immediate response now is always “It doesn’t matter. I’m enjoying what is right now.”
The “relationship escalator” is a narrative we’ve all been raised with. I want off and have been doing the work to not be on it, step by step, since my marriage ended six years ago.
I want my relationships to be honest. To be in the now. To not be focused on end goals or potential futures that may never come to fruition for any number of reasons. I want to be present for the joy, heartache, laughter, and tears that are present right now I want to see who is in front of me as they are now, not who they “could” be. I want to be seen as I am now.
This is not to say having goals in our relationships is bad, per se. And when we are not being conscious, intentional and honest with both ourselves and others about our wants, needs, and desires we get lost, and often lose ourselves, along the way. We lose important parts of our Self. We lose our autonomy. We lose the opportunities for real intimacy.
I strongly believe we can’t be emotionally intimate without our own sense of autonomy and self or if other people in our relationships don’t also have this.
Of course it’s all a process. I’ve been recovering lost parts of me for years and will probably be doing this for the rest of my days as I go deeper and deeper into the layers of my own traumas, my social conditioning, my attachment and relational wounding. I need to be in relationship as I do this work, because it is in relationship that I will be shown where my tender spots are, where the next layer of my work is.
Which means the people I’m in relationship with need to understand this is all a process. That we can all learn together. Who want this same kind of self and relational exploration and healing for themselves too. Both people need to be able clearly see who we are in the now and hold space for each other’s, and the relationship’s, evolution
.This is messy. There not many clear paths or absolutes. There is a lot of liminal space, a lot of learning and unlearning, a lot of trial and error and sometimes success.
Communication is key. A willingness to communicate is vital. Understandably not always easy. And it’s the only way to the connection and intimacy we all crave as humans.
This essay was originally published on insta in April 2021. It has been updated for publication here.
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Recent essays on Embodied Relating:
EWP : 04. Asking, wants, and pleasure :: Embodied Writing Pleasure series
Trying to find words and inspiration : A random list o tings
We need our people : A short essay from 2020 revised for today
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